Is this One asking for Forgiveness Sincere?
Written by Dan McDonald
A more than likely frustrated
tweeter on Twitter asked the question: “Do you think people apologize because
they’re actually at all sorry, or to just slightly reduce the appearance of
being an enormous jackass?” I chose to
answer the question, from my own perspective with a similar usage of
language. I replied, knowing I would
probably need to explain myself later saying, “Or both? And I think the both, is why we were taught
to forgive 70 x 7, because jackasses asking forgiveness need help.” I want to expand on why I gave that answer
for it gets at what I think is at the heart of my understanding of the
Christian faith.
There were a couple of other exchanges
in the twitter exchange, and I acknowledged there were exceptions to the
recommendation I gave in my tweet. Truth
condensed to tweets cannot declare wisdom’s entire story. Neither can short blogs. Generally we learn truth in small bits and
pieces accumulated over a lifetime of years of seeking, sufferings, and reflections.
I want to make clear that sometimes
when someone is asking for forgiveness the one being asked to forgive should be
wary and cautious. For example, if an
abuser is asking someone they abused for forgiveness, the formerly abused
should be cautious. Such a one may offer
their forgiveness from a safe distance.
There are abiding consequences when someone hurts another through wrong
and hurtful behavior. Also if someone is
an abuser, the abuser may have a habitual behavior that is similar in some ways
to an addiction. They may truly desire
at some level in their life to make it up to the one they have abused. But the reality for the abuser, is that the
more the behavior is like an addiction the more likely he as well as the abused
needs to be drawn back from that relationship for the sake of healing. It is all right in some circumstances for forgiveness
to be granted through an intermediary and mediator rather than directly. If the one seeking forgiveness demands a
direct relationship, then perhaps his entire desire to be forgiven can truly be
questioned, certainly his wisdom in the way he seeks forgiveness must be
questioned. The goal of the one asking to be forgiven
ought to be to overcome the harmful behavior which they are now acknowledging
to the person they have harmed by their behavior. That will be the basis of the forgiveness
granted by the one forgiving the one asking forgiveness. Restoration of friendship is not necessarily
even a wise or desirable first step.
Rather it is the acknowledgement of a behavior that has harmed another
agreed upon, that can now by prayer and spiritual growth be overcome by the one
seeking to repent from their harmful behavior.
The one forgiving may from whatever distance is necessary agree to
encourage the one who has harmed them in seeking his restoration to God and the
healing of his humanity. The same sort
of wisdom is necessary to be applied to a manipulator asking for
forgiveness. The one who has been harmed
by the manipulator does not need to expose themselves to further abuse, by a
questionable asking of forgiveness. A
simple thank you for asking for forgiveness coupled with an expression of hope
for their overcoming of their proneness to the harmful way of life is the necessary
expression of forgiveness to be offered to the offender. In the Christian life the one asking for
forgiveness must make their first goal not the restoration of that friendship
they have already severely damaged, but the overcoming of the pattern of sinful
behavior which has led to the damaging of one relationship with more to follow
unless the behavior is altered.
Beyond these and other exceptions of
wisdom it should be the desire of a Christian forgiven of their sins in Christ,
to be an agent of forgiveness to others on behalf of Christ. I would like to think that my thinking in
this matter is true to the teaching of the Scriptures. I will admit that much of my thinking in
these matters was impressed upon me through reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Life
Together. Bonhoeffer, in Life
Together was ministering to ministers endeavoring to proclaim the truth and
spirit of the Gospel to the people of Nazi Germany, suffering under the rule of
Adolph Hitler. These were pastors laying
their lives on the line for a people in need of truth in a day of evil. Thus Bonhoeffer’s little book Life
Together was a word of encouragement focused on the simplicity of living in
Christ in difficult times. It is from
this book that much of any wisdom I have in this matter can be discovered. I must say of Bonhoeffer’s Life Together,
that if I were told I must live several years in seclusion and can have the
Bible and one other book, it would be Life Together.
In Life Together Bonhoeffer
describes how Christian community is built.
He describes Christian community in this way: “Christianity means community through Jesus
Christ and in Jesus Christ. . . . We belong to one another only through and in
Jesus Christ.” He continues saying, “What
does this mean? It means, first, that a
Christian needs others because of Jesus Christ.
It means, second, that a Christian comes to others only through Jesus
Christ.”[i] It is this second point that I think
Bonhoeffer so well expresses through this book.
He encourages us to think of the Christian life as a life fully in
Christ, so that our perception of both life and others is a perception shaped,
enriched, nourished, and developed in, by, and through our unity with Jesus Christ. St. Paul learned to no longer view others,
and not even to judge himself apart from his life in Christ. It is this feature of the life of the
Christian, lived by faith in Jesus Christ that encourages the Christian to
forgive others even as he or she has been forgiven in Christ.
To Bonhoeffer this is what it means
for us to participate in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We are seeing others in and through Christ,
responding to others in and through Jesus Christ, and in so doing we are being
shaped as his members of his living body, the church to become his hands and
feet walking up to and embracing others on behalf of Christ. It is in this way, as we find ourselves
living and having our being in Christ that we are prepared to meet the brother,
the sister, the stranger, or the enemy who comes and asks us to forgive them
their sin. We see this person not firstly
in our fears of being further damaged by yet another wound as possible as that
is, but because we are in Christ and are being shaped by his being in us we
even if tentatively want to say “yes you are forgiven in Christ.” By this we who live in Christ participate in
the Gospel of Christ coming to proclaim the forgiveness of our sins.
This is then why we are to find it
our joy and desire to be ready and able to forgive others. The truth is, as we have known in ourselves, so
very often that we ourselves do not seek forgiveness with perfect hearts and
souls. We know to only a small amount
what harm our sins and selfish ways have brought to another. We ask forgiveness, like the jackasses (and Jennies
as well) in the Tweets that began this blog.
We partially ask because we know we have sinned, but we seldom really
know the extent of our sin or the wound it has inflicted upon another. That is why when someone, a brother, a
sister, a friend, an enemy asks us to forgive them we want in Christ to say “yes”. We know from our own experiences that almost
always the one asking for forgiveness is but taking the first step on the
beginning of a journey of finding forgiveness and being truly cleansed of the
sin that we heartily seek to forgive them as they ask. We know that the one asking forgiveness needs
help turning from the sin for which they now seek forgiveness. We have no illusions that such a one asking
will have an easy time of overcoming their burden. But we are in Christ and He is in us. Therefore it might be that as we forgive our
brother or sister, that we help them carry their burden more easily, so that
they may be encouraged more strongly to overcome their present affliction. We say “yes” to the forgiving of our brother
or sister because we understand that Christ rode a donkey into Jerusalem to die
for us jackasses. We are participants in
his Gospel, living in him, and he living in us.
We yearn to forgive because we have been forgiven. We yearn to see others forgiven, because we
have learned to want for others what Christ wants for us. So we knowing it may lead to hurt, even to
suffering, say our “yes” to the one asking us to forgive them.
[i] Dietrich
Bonhoeffer, Life Together translated by John W. Doberstein; (Harper and
Row, San Francisco), 1954. P.21
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